Thanatophobia

Familiar ?? Unfamiliar ?? 

Thanatophobia is commonly referred to as the fear of death. More specifically, it can be a fear of death or a fear of the dying process. It's natural for someone to worry about their own health as they age. It's also common for someone to worry about their friends and family after they're gone. (Courtesy: Internet)

Lately, I was hit with this phobia over and above mildly. Once my doctor told, not to look at the internet to know about any of the diseases instead of getting diagnosed, I will end up knowing unnecessary things, which can only elevate my worrying. That's when I started to look around for help and I started to speak about the same with a few of my friends as well and told them, this is what I am feeling and what are the things that were worrying me and the mixed emotions that I was going through. Talking about the same reduced my worries to some extent.

I couldn't resist and I started to search on the internet with a cautious mind, I made a rule, if I see any red flag then I am going to shut down my laptop. I am in search of help to know how people dealt in the past with these kinds of emotions. 

I ended up on the following website: https://www.healthline.com/health/thanatophobia

It talks about the risk factor, symptoms, and how to deal with them, etc. But luckily, I was following most of the treatment process even before I started reading this, unknowingly. I was talking with my friends, I was already started doing my meditation to calm my mind and all.

So, what made me write up on this? What benefitted me can be beneficial to someone else as well. I am not the only person who might have got hit with this and I know it from day one. What I couldn't understand was why am I channelizing my energy and thoughts towards unnecessary worrying and how I am unknowingly drowning myself into it and not knowing a way to rebound from it. 

As I learned being humble, being kind to others, feeling gratitude, and accept life as it takes to did wonders for me. First, I started questioning myself, what was worrying me? Is it in my control to change anything which can lessen my worry? If so then I should start working on it, otherwise ignore it. What isn't in my control, shouldn't be my business. I learned, if my health is my concern then I should work on changing my lifestyle, which includes what I eat, how I practice my workouts, how much time I spend on myself improving etc but still what I can't control is the uncertainty around it, which should have been never my priority or concern.

When I talk to people, I realized, most of them have gone through this. Few have handled it very elegantly and few have ignored it as if nothing has happened and accepted it as part of the life process. And I started realizing, in the past, I was in a situation, where my mother was in the hospital for a couple of operations and procedures, I managed it very well without any anxiety and getting panic about what would happen next. My mother used to say, as she passed through that operation theatre it was feared her whether she would ever meet us again, who would take care of us were her genuine concerns as she was not prepared for it. But it never hit me in the first place, I always thought, the doctor is there to help her and she would be alright in no time. Few of my friends told me that I was brave to handle a situation like this but I couldn't understand how cool I was. Like ignorance was total bliss for me.

That's when I sensed, that's the right way to do it as well. I am so attached to my mother, family, and to my friends, lately, as I am growing old, I keep hearing more about a personal loss, which started me worrying, how am I going to deal with myself in the upcoming days. Even though I haven't lost anyone but worrying about the future of myself started all this melodrama and saga about fear of death etc not only for myself but what if for my dear ones.

Frankly speaking, my worry got elevated only when I started sinking myself into a zone where I thought what am I going to do if something happens to my mother and how am I going to handle myself.  Sometimes, I worry about what if happens to me then who would take care of my mother. Even if I get a little bit of sprain near my chest and all, I used to feel, am I getting a heart attack? this worst it was. Luckily, I was able to come out by answering all my worries even if it's not in my favor. From day one, we are living in this uncertain world where no one can predict what happens next. 

So, am I the first person, who got this worry about a loved one or about oneself? No.

Can I change the uncertainty at my will? No.

Practicing, whatever happens in our lives is happening for our good. Thanking God every day for giving us the opportunity to live. Not every day is the same, things change. This too shall pass. Live in present, who has seen tomorrow. Be kind to others, kill the ego. Worrying about tomorrow only kills us in present. Be the helping hand for the unfortunate ones. Live life for others, living selfish life only provoke worries.

Sitting in the same place worrying about my health is only going to elevate it but getting up doing my workout regularly, meditating, and doing yoga would divert my energy towards the positivity of my life, is what I realized. So altering my lifestyle can do wonders, easy to speak but very hard to follow. That's how challenging it is, all you got to do is your own day-to-day routine but doing that regularly and punctually is what willpower is all about.

And all I can do for now is to keep my mother in a happy space as long as I could. I fight with her but I realized I should be the one to break the ice as well whenever we get into an awkward situation, where each of us expects others to speak. All I can enjoy is the conversation that I have daily with her instead of worrying about with whom I would talk in the future. I don't want to regret that I didn't live up like this way.

So all this self-realization calm me down and encourages me to live in present, who sees the tomorrow.

-Ramesh